Wednesday, 10 May 2017

How to survive...a zombie apocalypse!

To survive a zombie apocalypse you must be ready for a zombie apocalypse, right? So let Chuckles the Zombie Whisperer take you through a few steps to make sure you are ready for the biting masses...it might just save your braaaiinnnsss!

BE READY:
If the apocalypse comes, are you ready for it? When zombies take to the streets, you won't be easily able to take a nice stroll to the shops so here is how to prepare for it.

1) OK ask yourselves this...what food supplies do I have in the home? 
Make sure you have as much as you can store of long term storage goods like white rice, pasta, beans, honey, salt, MREs, Mountain House emergency #10 tins, powdered milk, sugar, freeze dried food, lentils, oats, etc coz when you try to go looting at the local shop or store, the zombies are sinking their teeth into the customers not the chocolate chip cookies! It might take a while for these undead grossbags to flake away so you will needs a few years of supplies to wait them out...

2) When zombies start chewing on and getting indigestion from public utility workers, your gas, electricity, water and sewage services are gone. Ewww! What ya gonna do?

a) COOKING
If you are one of those camping fanatics then you probably already have something like a butane stove to make your nibbles on. Make sure you store the cannisters well coz you really don't want to end up as a human flamethrower as that look was so last year darling! Maybe you are a kind of super prepper who stores old pizza boxes to turn into solar ovens and can be relied on to have six different ideas for cooking or a big generator to power your home. If so can I come to your house instead?

b) WATER
Get those rain barrels set up in your garden but keep them away from any buildings. You don't want that pigeon poo and bacteria from the gutters to be dropping in to say hello! Buy in food grade storage containers and keep a supply of water stored in the house, rotating it every 6 months. Be armed with filters and water purification tablets, and boil all your drinking water.

c) WASHING YOUSELF
Water will be limited so you could invest in those solar heated camping showers. Heat it up in the sun for a few hours, test the water temperature so you don't give yourself an instant grilled bacon look and hang it up inside your shower for a nice quick washdown. Look after your hygiene by having a stock of soaps, toothpaste and other things. Just because it's the zombie apocalypse doesn't mean you should let your standards slip y'know? Nobody wants to fail that sniff test and be mistaken for Zac the Zombie!

d) TOILET
When that sewage stops working it's gonna get nasty! You could build an outhouse in advance but are you gonna want to be sitting there sharing your previous night's curry with the world in a freezing cold garden with a zombie trying to chew on your ass? You could dig holes in the garden and cover it with lime but best to invest in a chemical toilet!

e) RUBBISH
Think about how much rubbish you throw out or recycle every week or month. When the collections stop, what are you going to do with it? Containers and tins can be used for storage, and you need to try and reuse whatever you can. If you are in an area away from prying eyes with lots of land you could bury the excess rubbish and feed any food waste to your animals but the ordinary house will struggle and you might find yourself running the zombie gauntlet trying to sneak out the house to get rid of it. There will be an increase in rodents so make sure you mouse proof your home to stop the blighters getting in to snack on your peanut supply. 


YOUR HOME:
Your biggest issue is going to be staying quiet and out of sight and not letting the undead know you are around so they stagger on by.

a) close windows and curtains and have blackout curtains to stop the zombies seeing or hearing you, and it keeps cooking smells inside to stop biker gangs, rapists and zombies from invading your curry night!

b) use wooden boards and iron bars to impede the progress of any zombie that gets near your windows, and protect those patio doors! Zombie peeping toms will soon be pressing up against the glass if they catch sight of you and these party dudes will invite all their friends!

c) chain your gates shut, ensure strong fences or thick hedges secure your boundary. If they can't enter your property from the street, your home will be safer and they will shuffle off to eat your neighbour instead.  

d) do you have tools that don't need electricity? No point having a chainsaw that would scare Leatherface himself if there is no power for it! And hand cranked tools are quieter to cut down on any noise to advertise your tasty existance.  

WEAPONS:
Sadly in the UK we are not permitted to have an AR-15 to blast the buggers in the head and you don't want to attract that kind of attention anyway, so go for the silent weapons instead.

a) machete-I haven't tested the theory of trying to buy one of these yet but if you have arms of steel and lots of muscles, you could take down a few undead with this.

b) flamethrower-nothing attracts the attention of the biting masses like having their limbs set alight. Don't use it near your vegetable patch though..flaming carrots help nobody!

c) samurai sword or similar-smuggle these back through customs from Spain at your peril and the risk of the rubber glove search, or try to buy at a specialist store and hope the police aren't raiding it at the time.

d) long handled loppers-this holds the zombie at a safe distance when you stab them with it while your more suggestible and expendable friend destroys the brain from behind.

e) steel baseball bats-cave dem heads in! I don't think my wooden Greetings from Benidorm one is really going to get the job done...nice palm tree design though.  

So are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse?

16 comments:

  1. I am definitely not zombie-apocalypse ready! I would be in a lot of trouble...lol

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    1. Make sure you have good shoes you can run fast in! I'm always in walking boots or trainers!

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  2. Kinda, sorta ready. LOL I always love reading the lists for survival.

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    1. I have lots of these survival books...some of them are fascinating! This summer I plan to try using a pizza box as a solar oven!

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  3. How about a nice hunting bow or crossbow? Quiet and won't attract too much attention, plus reusable ammo if you are careful and take good care of your gear. And biggest plus, you can keep your distance from those teeth! Melee weapons force you to get too close for comfort for me! :D

    ~Mogsy @ BiblioSanctum

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    1. I don't know how the law stands on crossbows in this country or what you might be permitted to fire from it. The UK is pretty strict on weapons and I know hunting with one is illegal. I like the idea of using one though and it would be perfect for the apocalypse!

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  4. Hmm I'm not prepper enough I guess looking at this list. Hadn't thought about trash pickup- eww the ole neighborhood's gonna be stinky for sure after a while! I had a sword for a while but after a few years of carrying it around ren faires and stuff it outlived its useful life. :) Maybe i need another one... for the end times!!

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    1. I think a new sword is required! There is a shop that sells them in Glasgow but they have been raided a few times by police so I'm not sure what they sell is always legal! Might need to pay it a visit though...

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  5. I am so not going to be ready if there's an apocalypse. But I'll probably die or be turned pretty quickly anyway, so I won't even have to worry, haha. But if I do survive, yes, of course, gotta have showers and soap. A zombie apocalypse is no excuse for poor hygiene ;-)

    I actually never even thought about trash piling up.

    You know, they do say guns are the worst weapon against zombies since they attract attention with noise and need to be reloaded, but I think I'll still stick to the long-range weapons regardless. Don't want to be close enough to a zombie to be able to use a sword or bat, and I'm pretty sure I'm so weak I'd end up giving them a paper cut rather than chopping their head off lol. Or I'd accidentally chop my own foot off or something.

    Fun post!

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    1. I never thought about trash building up or what to use for a toilet until I started reading some of these apocalypse novels! It is kind of worrying! And you'll need weapons to deal with all the rats attracted to the mess! But as long as we smell good...*grins*

      I'm not the strongest person in the world either...I get tired walking to the door for the postman! I can't see me wielding melee weapons somehow!

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  6. oh I love this post so much! have a one schedule for June about the survival skills I learned from books :) I'll use this to recheck our Bunkerized Chicken Coop plan and our bug out bags [we do have them!] :D

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    1. I've got a bug out bag in my dad's car (I don't drive) and a ton of books about all kinds of prepper stuff so I'll be really interested to see your post!

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  7. I'd be useless, heh. I'm so impractical.

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    1. Ah but you have a good brain! I think you could outwit those zombie mushbags!

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  8. It's gonna be like living during the Middle Ages.

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    1. It certainly would be. My concern would be the rubbish dumped everywhere and the smell. Ugh!

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