Tools
of the Ghost Trade
Are
you tired of slogging away at the same old dead-end day job? Do you
want a career with flexible hours, iffy benefits, and lots of contact
with angry dead spirits? Ghost catching might be the job for you!
At
Metaphysical Manufacturing, Ltd., we fully support and encourage your
efforts to enter into the dream job that we’ve just now suggested!
Part of the reason is that you’ll have to buy lots of products from
us in order to be a professional ghost trapper, but we also care
about you as a person and stuff.
So
what will you need?
Ghost
Training:
We recommend you order our complete twelve-book, nineteen-video
training course, which includes such useful manuals as Boogeyman
Basics
and How Not to Get Your Soul
Ripped From Your Flesh.
After filling out our correspondence-course exam and sending us a
large check, you’ll get your official ghost-grabber certification!
Ghost
Sensors:
Several devices can help you determine whether a ghost is in the room
with you...maybe even right behind you! The most basic is an
electromagnetic frequency (EMF) meter. Ghosts have electromagnetic
fields, probably, and these can be detected with modern scientific
instruments, maybe. Definitely buy one! We recommend you also pick
up our special motion detectors and ghost thermometers—which
measure how warm or cold the room is!
Ghost
Goggles:
Sooner or later, you’ll want to see the ghosts you’re hunting.
We recommend sooner! We offer both night vision and thermal imaging
goggles to help you find elusive spirits. You can buy one or the
other, but it’s best if you buy both!
Ghost
Microphone:
Use a high-powered, ultra-sensitive microphone (like the ones we
sell!) to help you pick up whispers and guttural threats from the
Other Side. Spend hours recording, and countless more hours
listening and trying to find voices in the static! You’ll never
have so much fun again!
Ghost
Trap:
This is the final “must-have” piece of gear. Your customers will
pay you to remove unwanted spirits from their homes, so you’ll want
some way to do that. We sell a range of affordable traps, from
simple lead-glass jars to phone-booth-sized Faraday cages that create
a solid electromagnetic barrier no wicked wraith can escape! We
recommend you buy them all.
With
these simple purchases, totaling less than eighty thousand dollars,
you can become a professional ghost trapper, too! Visit our website
to learn (or buy) more!
Of course, for the last three days my attention has been fully on the 2014 Ryder Cup, one of the sporting events that I love the most. I never miss this and I love the tension of the last day. As I type all of the singles matches have started so it'll be an exciting afternoon! 
